Today's guest post comes from Mary Jo Rapini, author of Start Talking, a book for girls and moms to use about all kinds of female issues.
(Saying "NO" to your child is still in fashion)
by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC
|Recently during my segment of answering viewer questions on the local TV station, a 12-year-old sent me the following question:|
Dear Mary Jo,
I tape your segments each week. This week I have a big problem. I want to go to a concert. I am an honors student, get only A's and B's and am very responsible. I want to go to a concert with my friend. My mom says I am too young. I have reassured her that I will call her every half hour, and she knows my friend and trusts her. Will you please help convince my mom that it is okay for me to go?
Thank you, Kellie.
|I answered Kellie's question on the air, because she asks a very poignant question. How can a 12-year-old talk mom into getting her own way? It is obvious that Kellie has no idea what dangers lurk in a concert crowd for a 12-year-old. Kellie is able to use the Internet and Facebook (even though you aren't suppose to be on Facebook until you are 13); she has a cell phone so she can call home to check in with mom; and she believes that if she continues to bargain a bit longer with mom, that mom will acquiesce due to fatigue.|
Moms (and dads) are more and more under the gun. They not only have to try to secure their child's safety from the dangers they can see, but they have to try and minimize the more threatening danger--the virtual world these kids belong to. This was my answer to Kellie:
|Dear Kellie, |
I want to thank you for watching my segments and trusting me with your very important question. I love your mom. I want to put her face up on a billboard and say, "This is what a mother does...she says, 'NO.'" You sound like a smart girl, and you sound as if you have been taught to negotiate and be assertive. These are wonderful traits, and I am glad your mom has helped nurture these skills. There is one trait you must learn a bit more though...and that is respect for "NO" when it is in your own best interest. I agree with your mother. You are much too precious to go to a concert at the age of twelve without a parent. You have no idea, Kellie, of the possible dangers, and no one will ever love you like your mom. I would like you to go to your mother and tell her that you are so grateful you have a loving, engaged mom, and tell her Mary Jo wants to use her for a poster mom. Lastly, if you really want to negotiate further, one thing she may enjoy is if she invites a friend and they take you and your friend to the concert. You can make it a "girl's night" and strengthen the mother-daughter bond that you are so fortunate to have. Thanks for asking my opinion; I am expecting great achievements from you in the future.
|Being a parent has always been tough, but being a parent today is tough for many different reasons. Our society has become so permissive with the parent/child boundary that telling your child, "No" is increasingly difficult. This is partly due to the parent's lack of engagement in their kid's life. They have no idea what their child is doing. That may not have been necessary years back, but now if the child has a computer in their room, their body may be in their room, but their mind and actions can be anywhere. If parents don't talk to their kids and understand their virtual world, they are missing out on 50% of what is going on in their child's life.|
|For all of you parents who feel overwhelmed by your child's virtual world, this is a quick way to begin to get a handle on it: |
|We cannot save our children from all of the dangers, any more than our parents could save us. We can be proactive though, and we can assert our parental authority and say "NO," even if that isn't the most popular response. Parents cannot be parents and be their kid's buddy. Be your spouse's buddy, be your kid's mom and dad.|
Article reprinted with permission from KSB Promotions.