Review of 'Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever'

Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever

Book Blurb: A Q&A guide for mother-daughter conversations about female health and sexuality, this book targets both daughters and mothers. Start Talking contains more than 113 questions girls ask including questions about periods, sex, relationships, guys, eating, exercise, body development, along with similar questions verbalized by mothers. Each chapter contains basic information accompanied by real-life vignettes, questions and answers for moms, questions and answers for daughters, "Table Talk" suggestions for moms on how to engage each other around these topics. This book differs from books targeting just girls understanding their own bodies, and from books targeting just mothers on what they should know: it is deliberately meant to spark conversations.

My thoughts: 

This is the kind of book that I wish I had when I was a teenager and needed to talk to my mother about various issues. She was easy to talk to, but didn't always have a lot of the answers I was seeking. Other conversations were simply too embarrassing to try to have with her until I was older.

The book is divided into "Mom Questions" and "Daughter Questions," but both can benefit from reading all of the sections. There are also mock "Table Talk" sections that provide a sample conversation between a mother and her daughter about certain topics. No one should feel like they have to use a script for those conversations. Those sections make for good conversation starters.

Start Talking isn't just about sex. It also delves into friendships, relationships, self-image and self-worth. It's purpose is to open the doors of communication between parent and teenager, which can often be difficult. I think it is a good addition to the parenting library, starting in the tween years as body and emotional changes begin to occur.

'Is it time for THAT talk with your daughter?' Article by Janine Sherman

Janine Sherman is one of the coauthors of the book Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, sex, or Whatever. In this article of hers, originally published back in 2010, she speaks to parents about how to have "The Sex Talk" with their teenaged daughters.

Is it time for THAT talk with your daughter?

by Janine Sherman

A new study that just appeared (2/1/10) in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine that indicates that discussing abstinence in a non-judgmental way had the best outcome in delaying the onset of sexual activity. As supported by the research, these ideas can be carried over when discussing sex with your teen daughter.

A patient reported to me that one afternoon while making dinner, her 16-year-old daughter sat down at the table and confessed that she thought that she was ready to have sex with her boyfriend of 5 months. She swore that they had not had sex yet but felt like they were ready to take it to the next level. If you were this mom, what whould you do or say?

First of all, if you are too overwhelmed to have this conversation, "calmly" ask to talk to her at another time...and specify the time. Don't just say "later," say "I need some time to think, how about after dinner we can go for a walk and talk."

Gather your thoughts, and then pat yourself on the back because you have obviously done something right, since she feels comfortable talking to you. Having a relationship where she obviously feels that she can come to you is a real gift for both of you. As a Women's Health Nurse Practitioner, I often see adolescent patients after they have had sex, and the mother just happens to find out.

Secondly, admit to yourself that we are all sexual beings and no matter how much you do not want to think of your child in this manner, you can't get rid of the hormones that are circulating in her body. This admission does NOT mean you are saying it is okay for your 16-year-old daughter to have sex, but you are admitting she does have normal feeling, and now you need to teach her what that means. Just as we teach our children to eat healthy, we need to teach our children how to make healthy sexual decisions.

Don'ts and Do's Don't say "you are too young to have sex and I want you to abstain till marriage," even if that is how you feel. Do admit that she is feeling like she is ready to have sex, and those feelings are normal, then... Ask her why she wants to have sex.  Does she think it will make the relationship stronger?  Is she curious?  Is she being pressured by her boyfriend or peers to have sex? I was recently told by a 15 year old patient "all my friends are having sex and it just isn't a big deal". Don't say "if you get pregnant or get an infection you are on your own." Do ask her if she understands the long term effects of having sex. 1.  What would she do if she were to get pregnant? Abortion, adoption, or raising a child at the age of 16 or 17? Regardless of the choice that is made; her life if forever changed. 2.  Infection? Is she ready to accept the risk of a sexually transmitted infection? Remind her that 1 in 4 sexually active teens gets a sexually transmitted infection. Some, such as herpes, never go away. 3.  Psychological? Does she really understand the potential emotional impact of her actions? Girls become more emotionally attached after sex than boys. The frontal part of the brain, which is responsible for understanding consequences, is generally not developed enough before the age of 18 to truly understand the emotional consequences of sexual activity. 4.  Effect on her relationship? How will she feel when the relationship ends? Are she and her boyfriend wanting to have sex for the same reasons?

Don't forbid her to have sex, ground her, or restrict her from seeing her boyfriend. Do tell her that in your opinion she is too young to have a sexual relationship. But, in the end, you want her to be safe and healthy.. 1.  Tell her you want her to go see a health care provider to learn how to be safe. This may include being tested for sexually transmitted diseases and learning about birth control. 2.  Remind her she should insist that her boyfriend also go to a health care provider to be tested as well. 3.  Remind her if her boyfriend is really pressuring her and she doesn't really feel ready, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. At 16, it is time to focus on herself and her passions and becoming the woman she is going to become. 4.  Tell her that you love her and that you are glad she came to you! When all is said and done, you cannot lock her in her room to keep her from having sex, and so it comes down to her choice. However, most girls who go to their mom in a situation like this wants to hear what you have to say. Therefore, if you talk she is probably listening; if you scream and yell, she will probably tune you out.

Adapted from Start Talking: A Girls Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever, Mary Jo Rapini & Janine Sherman, www.starttalkingbook.com.

'Plan a Great Vacation!' Article by Janine Sherman

Janine Sherman is one of the coauthors of the book Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever. Here she offers advice to parents who are preparing to go on vacation with their kids. Include them in the planning process to ensure maximum enjoyment all the way around!

Plan a Great Vacation!
by Janine Sherman, MSN, WHNP-BC

Some of my favorite childhood memories are from my family's vacations. Every summer my parents, three siblings and I would load up the station wagon and set out on what always promised to be a bonding experience. As soon as we got back from one vacation we would take steps to plan the next one. Because of the memorable times I had as a child on those trips, I made summer vacation a top priority as a parent myself. Now if you were to ask my children about some of their favorite memories, it would probably be a story about one of our family trips.  

Here are some tips on how to plan a great summer vacation:

    

Have a family meeting to decide what kind of vacation your family has in mind.There are many options: road trips, educational, beach resort, cruise -- the list goes on. Get a consensus so that everyone feels that they had a say in what you decide to do.

Stay within a pre-determined budget. You don't want to spend your whole vacation worrying about how you're going to pay for it. Fortunately, there are some great vacation packages available. All-inclusive trips and cruises have the benefit of upfront costs, and they often include many extras. We have a vacation fund that we add to throughout the year so that the money is there when we are ready to go.

Research the trip with your kids. One year, we were going to Nashville and Memphis for a short time. I gave every person an assignment, including the parents: each one of us had to research a place we wanted to visit in each of the cities and be the tour guide at that site. In the beginning everyone grumbled about doing this. Yet when we arrived in each city, they were all anxious to be the tour guide and share what they had learned about their chosen place!

Be prepared! For instance, if you are going on a road trip, plan activities that you can do in the car. DVDs are great, but try to do things where you can interact as well. Some activities that you can do are 20 questions, auto bingo, or my kids' favorite, the license plate game. Other things to consider are the climate, the activities that you are going to be involved in and any advanced reservations that need to be made.

Record your experience with pictures or a journal. As a family, we often look at our pictures from our family vacations and reminisce about the things we did on those trips. Plus, years from now when they show their own children, they can laugh about the hairstyles and clothes we wore.

When you're on vacation, be on vacation. In other words, try to leave the work at home. My husband, who loves his Blackberry, will not check his e-mail during our family vacations (and this is the only time that happens). Taking time off from your work shows your children that this vacation is about them and them alone.

Try something new. Whether it's a new activity -- like whitewater rafting or a new cuisine -- be sure to show off your adventurous side. Even if you don't like the experience, you can say you've been there and done that.

Have specific family time. When we've been on cruise vacations, everyone is doing different activities during the day. However, we will all come together at night for a leisurely family dinner. We have great food, great conversation and make wonderful memories.

Listen to what your kids have to say about what they want to do on a vacation. It might lead you down a path you would have never thought of. For example, we have done some very offbeat activities that we would have never considered if my children had not brought them to our attention.

Make it fun and laugh a lot!!! Whatever you do, wherever you go, just remember that vacation is a time to have fun, bond with your kids, and make wonderful memories.

The best way to build strong bonds between parents and children is to really share fun experiences and get to know each other better. Family vacations can not only be fun but can create a solid foundation of mutual caring that will help kids and parents also connect when life isn't all fun and games.