'No Second Chance with Suicide' Article by Mary Jo Rapini

Mary Jo Rapini is a psychotherapist and coauthor of the book Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever. This article of hers about teen suicide was first published back in 2010, yet is still relevant today.

No Second Chance with Suicide

by Mary Jo Rapini

We see the news reports and hear about it on the radio. We read about it online and in the newspapers, and we will continue to until we can all do something about preventing it. Suicide is the 11th cause of death in the United States. It kills 31,000 people each year and severely inflicts injuries on another 425,000 each year. Suicide is the third-leading cause of death for 15- to 24-year-olds, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), surpassed only by accidents and homicide.
APRIL IS THE MOST POPULAR MONTH FOR SUICIDE IN THE UNITED STATES. We see parents out of work or losing their homes and their teen's depression or anger may go unnoticed. We see teens bullying or harassing other teens, leading the victimized teens to kill themselves. We see teens going through a break-up and feeling like their life cannot go on, and being sure their only peace is suicide. How does this happen? What is wrong with our children? How did we not notice as parents?
  
The profile of someone who turns to suicide is complicated. Many times it is someone we would have never suspected, but more often they have one of these issues: clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, alcohol or drug abuse, being bullied, feeling isolated or described as a loner or suffering a break-up. Those who are in the midst of one of these medical disorders may also have a chemical imbalance that prevents them from thinking clearly. They may convince themself that the world is better off without them, and many times they make that call for others as well. They may feel like they need to save others and to kill themself would be better. They have confused ending their pain with ending their life.

What can you do if you know someone -- or if a child you love -- is struggling and you worry about them committing suicide?

Step I. Don't ignore it. You cannot talk someone into suicide and bringing it up won't make someone act on it if they aren't feeling like it. In fact, it may have the opposite effect. Once you ask someone you may begin a dialogue with them where they begin to feel safer and more willing to discuss their pain or problems with you. Children are exposed to bullies not only at school but also in cyberspace. Three weeks ago, a child was brutally attacked in Florida by another teen over a text message. The child had been fearful but had not told her mother because she didn't know how to bring it up. Currently the child is in an intensive care unit in grave condition. Last week a 13-year-old boy in Texas hung himself in his parents' barn after being bullied, harassed at school and through Facebook and text messages. Schools are not sure how to handle this sort of bullying and if parents don't ask, many times children won't talk.


Step II. Make a doctor's appointment for your child right away. Your pediatrician is an excellent place to begin to assess why your child is depressed. It is not uncommon for children to become depressed during puberty. A physician can diagnosis if there is concern with hormonal changes as well as medications reacting with other possible medications.


Step III.  Invest in a good counselor. Sometimes problems are so shameful or difficult that your loved one or child cannot talk with a family member or close friend about it. A third party provides an environment as well as expertise at helping a person trust and be vulnerable with them. Once the problem is out in the open, it will be much easier to deal with. Very few problems eliminate themselves immediately. It takes time and patience to work through difficult issues. Remind your child that you are on their team, and you will not leave their side. Reassure them that this bad time will pass in their life. Children don't understand that what is such a big issue today will change to become something more manageable.


Step IV. Have your loved one sign a contract with you that they will not kill themselves. With the help of a counselor, you can make a family pact that your child will not do anything to endanger themselves. This may take vigilance on the part of the parents to spend the night watching their child, but this is more reassurance for the child that they are embraced in love and they can count on their parents to help protect them. If your child is over the age of 16, it may be important for them to be hospitalized during this vulnerable time. Alert your child's teacher as to what their part will be in helping keep the child safe. Teachers want to provide a safe place for your child but many times they don't know how. If a professional assists the parents and teachers, the child can get through this time feeling supported and confident.

Never forget that when someone is contemplating suicide they are also looking for weapons. Remove all guns, knives, belts, scarves and other potential threats from the immediate area. If we all become more aware, we can help prevent this deadly decision. A child's decision is never well thought out to end their life because they don't have the full brain development to make such a decision. Perhaps this is what is so scary. Although it isn't well thought out...it is deadly.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.  

 

'Are Your Kids Getting Bullied in Their Own Homes?' Article by Mary Jo Rapini

As the holiday season approaches in this digital age, remember that your child is still connected to everyone at school, even though there is a break. This means that your child can still be bullied, even when not confronted with the offenders in person. Psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini is also the coauthor of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever. Here she explains to parents how to look for signs of bullying, even when your child is not at school, and how to help.

Are Your kids are getting bullied

in their own homes?         

by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

The holidays are right around the corner and you are probably already making plans to visit friends and family. The kids are off from school, and you are looking forward to not having routines and school activities. Even though you sense peacefulness at this time without the hubbub, your child may not. Your child did not leave their "world" behind at school. Their world is increasingly the life they have online. It is the texts, the emails, the Facebook, and the Myspace. You can be a great parent in all aspects; however, if you don't understand who your child is talking to online, what they are experiencing or who is coming into your home over the phone or computer, you are missing an important aspect of your child's life. Facebook, Time Warner and Cartoon Network recently announced the launch of an anti-bullying campaign to help change lives and make children safe from bullying. The national exposure of this campaign is exactly what this severe issue needs--public awareness and request for action. Parents are always more powerful in their children's life if they form a united front. Below are tips for parents who have children using the Internet, social media networks and cell phones.

Discussions, discussions, and more discussions. Parents must have a basic knowledge about what's going on in their kid's online worlds from a verbal and physical standpoint. Since social networking has become a daily routine for kids, it needs to be part of the daily conversation. The more open you are with your kids and facilitate a safe and non-judgmental environment for conversation, the more likely they are to tell you if they come across an issue. In addition to talking to kids about cyberbullying, parents should spread the word to other parents and act as a true advocate for the issue. The more you talk about it, the more useful information you can share. Comment on blogs, forward news stories, "re-share" on Facebook, stand up at the PTO meeting--use any communications necessary to get your voice heard. Take the time. The good news is that with a national campaign, there will be information, discussions, surveys, resources and solutions everywhere. Take the extra time to read and comprehend the information to make yourself knowledgeable on the issues and to act as a resource to other parents and kids.

Learn the warning signs. As mentioned, information will be more available from a reference perspective so take advantage of it. Learn about the warning signs of bullying so that you can recognize it in your own child or any child. Remember that a sudden, drastic change in your child's behavior might mean something is going on. Below are just a few signs of bullying, but don't forget to trust your instincts: *  Torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other    belongings *  Unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches *  Fear of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the    school bus, or taking part with peers in organized activities *  No interest in school or their grades *  Weepy, sad, moody, or depressed after school behaviors *  Complaints of headaches, stomachaches or other physical    ailments *  Loss of appetite or weight gain *  Anxiousness or low-self-esteem Teach children exactly what to do if they get an offensive or threatening post or comment. Take every opportunity to teach them how to manage themselves in confusing situations and when to bring the issues to you; when they do, believe them and show your support.

The Golden Rule does apply to online interactions. It may be the first rule taught to kids: "Do unto others as you would have done to you." You set the expectations for manners and appropriate behavior. Coach them to behave online as you have taught them in real life.  Digital manners need to be reinforced just as regular manners do. While you are taking the necessary measures to stop bullying and get more involved in what is going on online, there are a few other items that parents should pay attention to while monitoring social networking sites for cyberbullying: * Friends and connections - Make sure you know them all. Kids are likely to accept requests from almost anyone. Discuss with them as to why they should only be connected to people they know and only connected to adults who are family members. There is no good reason why adults and kids should be connected online. * Posted Photos - Take a close look at the types of photos your kids post and make sure you are comfortable with the content. Remember that the interpretation of the photo lies in the eyes of the beholder, meaning a simple photo in a bathing suit on a family vacation could mean different things to its viewers. Also, take a look at photos posted of your child by others. What may be appropriate to one may not be appropriate to all. Additionally, with geo-tagging, photos show the location of the poster. Scary? * Time spent online and where - Keep tabs on how many hours per day your child is online, what sites they are on and where they are accessing these sites from.

Parents can also help by simply monitoring their children's social media accounts using services such as TrueCare.com, an Internet-based service that may provide an early warning of potentially concerning or dangerous online behavior. Each parent knows their child best, as well as their own work schedule. If you cannot monitor your child's online posts, this type of service sends automatic email alerts concerning activity related to "friends," photos or posts within their child's social networking accounts like Facebook, Twitter, Myspace and more. The service helps parents protect their children 24/7--no matter where children access their social network accounts. Our children are growing up in a virtual world. Their ability to understand how it works is much better than their ability to understand the consequences of what they're exposing for millions to see. It is our job as their parents to secure their safety until they are mature enough to understand the permanence of their random, fleeting, and immature thoughts.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.

'Kids, Porn, and Parents' Guest Article by Mary Jo Rapini

Mary Jo Rapini is the co-author of the book Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever. She is also a widely published psychotherapist, who is dedicated to improving the parent-child relationship. In this guest article, she tackles the topic of porn and kids.

Kids, Porn and Parents 
  
by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

Gone are the days when parents used to find a Playboy magazine hidden in their son's room. Whether it was under the mattress or hidden among the trash, mom had an intuition about it and knew. Today's porn is different and it's a lot more dangerous. It's unlimited and teens don't have to buy anything to view it. The porn is on their phone and they are capable of making their own porn.

Husbands may get caught viewing porn, but the kids never do. They don't because they are more adept at creating their own porn websites and covering up their tracks. Sue Berelowitz who is a Deputy Children's Commissioner in London reported that kids are watching porn and enacting it. It's not only happening in the UK. It's happening in the U.S. and in many other countries.  Parents have no idea because kids can get into anything they like on their phones, and they are geniuses with technology compared to most of their parents. Viewing pornography at such a young age changes adolescents' ability to understand what is normal. The porn teens are making is violent, sadistic and very ugly, reports Berelowitz.

There is no way to know what our adolescents will end up acting like if they become addicted to porn at such a young age. We do know that outrageous pornographic video clips are becoming a more common social activity among teens. According to Norman Doidge in, "The Brain That Changes Itself," porn must grow more shocking to please the viewer because once the brain views it, the porn loses its ability to excite as much. The brain grows numb with the same stimuli after awhile. These are kids, and kids aren't able to understand the fact that what they are engaging in now will have negative consequences on their life later. Teens have always looked for more outrageous ways to stand out among their friends, and if they can make a deplorable forbidden or disgusting video they may feel "socially accepted" even if it is for creating something disgusting.

Teens who are addicted to porn become socially anxious, depressed and awkward with reality. They aren't able to secure a "real date" or even know how to flirt in real life with someone. Many of them end up with erectile dysfunction while still in their teens. If all you view is pornography and unrealistic sex, you won't be able to function normally, and we have no idea how long the effect of this will last.

Perhaps the worst part of all of this is that girls (and boys) within a couple years age difference are the ones being emotionally and sexually exploited. Many of them are sending nude photos of themselves, as well as video clips of them doing violent acts with one another. Teens can coerce teens to do things that they would never do with anyone else, and all of this happens with the parents having no idea.

If you are a parent and you have a pre-teen or teen, your ability to monitor whether they are viewing porn is limited. They use incognito websites, and they know how to erase histories of where they have been. However, it is wise to raise your awareness and to begin the discussion with your child. Telling yourself that your child would never do this only heightens the chance that they would, could or are.  If your child has a phone, they do have the opportunity, and being a teen they have the "know how."

Suggestions to begin the conversation would start with monitoring your child's phone. However, due to the skill level of teens hiding the information, opening a dialogue will be the best approach. 1.  Begin a dialogue (a conversation) and stay away from threats and shaming. Parents have a belief that if they attack or make their child feel guilty the behavior will stop. Teens addicted to porn are getting rewarded by watching it and the social accolade they get from their peers. If parents attack rather than talk, the child will become more anxious and resort to using porn to comfort that feeling.

2.  Encourage your child to seek other ways to cope with stress, their moods, and their feelings. Things such as exercise, getting outside, connecting with others in person, meditation, and focus on being there more physically will help them to cope. 3.  Teens are hugged less often by their parents than in any other stage of their development. The teen years are some of the most challenging, and therefore teens need more, not less, hugs from their parents. Hugging your teen can help them feel reassured that they aren't bad; they are suffering from an addiction.

4.  The worst part of a porn addiction for a teen or anyone else is the withdrawal from others and the isolation the addiction demands. Since it is virtual and not real, it is not fulfilling on an emotional level. The addicted person begins to feel separate and they begin withdrawing from others they were once connected to. 5. Talking to your child about a real relationship and reinforcing real relationships with them can make a huge difference. Explaining to them that porn actors or people who partake in porn are creating illusions. They aren't interested in long lasting, safe, intimate, and loving relationships. Talking to your children about this will go much further in helping them resist peer pressure and manage a healthy sexual curiosity than shaming or ridiculing them for watching porn.

Families who are engaged and talk together discourage porn use naturally. Encourage your child to ask questions and be there to help answer them. Take at least one day a week for family dinner and make sure your presence is felt in your child's life. Also, something as simple as being a good example or mentor of what a loving, intimate relationship looks like with your child's other parent can help. The teen and pre-teen years are a challenge for everyone in the family, but no other time in your child's life will offer the opportunity to influence your child as much with a healthy, loving relationship.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.

'Helicopter Parents Raise Kids Who Cannot Fly Alone' Article by Mary Jo Rapini

Helicopter parenting is one of the new trends in parenting techniques. Does this method really work to empower children? Psychotherapist and coauthor of the book Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever weighs in on the issue.

Helicopter Parents Raise Kids Who Cannot Fly Alone

by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

I was reading a recent article on the subject of "helicopter parenting" and how cell phones and the internet have changed parents' ability to hover over their children. The parents that supposedly hover the most are moms and dads of the "Millennials;" children of baby boomers, born between the early 1980s and 2000. As I read it, I could not help but think of my own childhood. I was the sixth of nine kids and I can safely say my parents most likely didn't know where I was 70% of the time. It wasn't that long ago, and I was raised in a small town, prior to cell phones, internet, and the idea that something catastrophic could happen to me if my parents lost sight of me. My parents weren't neglectful any more than my neighbors and friends parents. We didn't have the technology and we also didn't have the angst that comes with the technology.  There wasn't the feeling that if I wasn't constantly busy with piano, soccer or tutoring I would fall behind. My parents saw their role as providing a secure home life, plenty of sleep, good food, and help with homework.

Times have changed. Parents talk to their child every day via texts, emails, Facebook, and web sites. Even when the child goes to college mom and dad are still instrumental in guiding their courses, career, and social life. The kids cannot escape and what's more is many of them don't want to. Colleges hire additional staff to answer parents' phone calls and emails just as summer camps do.  Research supports that when parents become involved in their children's activities the children do better. They seem to enjoy the activity more whether it is college or an after school event, but there is a fine line, and the positive effects diminish when parents take over and try to control the activity the child is in. Being there as a guide to support your child may be helpful, but if your guidance becomes you telling your child what to do, think and how to respond, your child begins feeling incompetent to handle the situations they are involved with. Soon, your child cannot make a decision without asking mom or dad.

From the time your child is born there is a process of learning to let go of them. The key to being a fantastic parent is watching your child and understanding when and how much to let go. Just as children have developmental milestones to attain, parents do too.  Hanging on too tightly to your child begins to produce several of these behaviors listed below: 1. Your child becomes less confident in their own ability to take care of themselves in situations at school or play. 2. Your child becomes fearful and withdraws from novel activities. 3. Your child will develop more anxieties and school phobias may develop. 4. Your child may become less interested in things around them unless you take an interest. A parent should be supportive of a child's interest, but not responsible for it. 5. Parents who are over protective actually suffer more from sadness and poor self image. When you have all of your needs invested in your child to be a success there is little left for you.

It is scary being a parent. We hear stories of abductions, kids getting harmed physically and sexually, and we feel a need to protect our children. If you feel you hold on too tightly though, or if your child seems embarrassed by your unwanted overprotection, there is a way you can loosen your grip without putting your child at risk. Rather than thinking about protecting your child think about empowering them. This will help you raise confident children while allowing you to be engaged: 1. When your child is small you can allow them more freedom to explore, climb and be independent if you provide a safe environment. Look over the playground or park in advance, and find the park that provides security from traffic, while still offering a fun atmosphere for your child to experience. 2. Make mistakes a good thing to experience. Kids who grow up anticipating mistakes take more risks, are less fearful and feel more confident about themselves. We all make mistakes; children have so much to learn in a relatively short period of time. Make sure they can experience their mistakes while being protected in their family. The outside world will never be as forgiving as your own family. 3. If you have a lot of fears from the way you were raised in your family of origin, make sure you deal with those with professional help. Fears are given/taught to children. This is demonstrated by children being terrified of people, things, or events with which they have no experience. The parents often instilled leftover unresolved fears of their past. Being afraid of life and all it has to offer is something you do not want to pass on to future generations.

No one will ever love your child the way you will. Protect their childhood, love them, and offer them new experiences so they can grow and learn. When a child tries something new, it is clear that they look at the new adventure and look back at you. If they see a loving parent who embraces the new while having confidence in their child's ability to master it, they will be empowered to soar.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.

'Childhood Obesity Intervention - Good or Bad?' Article by Mary Jo Rapini

Earlier this year, the state of Ohio made headlines when it removed a morbidly obese child from his home and placed him into foster care. Psychotherapist and coauthor of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever, Mary Jo Rapini, shares her insights on the obesity epidemic.

Childhood Obesity Intervention-
Good or Bad?

by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

I was asked recently to be an expert for an HLN story involving an 8 year old boy in Ohio. This boy is morbidly obese tipping the scales at 218 pounds. The Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) took the boy into foster care after they felt the mother was unable to follow through with appropriate measures prescribed for the boy to lose weight. The mother's defense was that she was going to school in addition to working as an elementary teacher. She felt that she could not monitor the child at all times. Apparently family members and friends were sneaking food to the boy. DCFS reported that they had worked with mom for a year and saw no improvement. The Ohio State Health Department estimates that more than 12 percent of third graders statewide (Ohio) are severely obese. That could mean as many as 1,380 kids in Cuyahoga County alone. This story is the first time anyone could recall a child being taken from a parent strictly due to weight-related issues.

To consider the idea that the state can handle this issue by removing an obese child from the home and placing him in foster care is not only absurd but dangerous to the development of children. Most likely there will not be enough foster homes and even if there were, will the parents in those homes be able to handle the issues an obese child struggles with? According to recent polls, one out of every three children is morbidly obese. This is not a child crisis; instead, this is a family crisis. In this situation, the child suffered from sleep apnea which meant he was hooked up to a machine at night which monitors and assists his breathing. Many obese children suffer asthma, diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, anxiety, and depression.

Obesity certainly has genetic components but to simply throw your hands in the air with complete surrender to fate is not being a responsible parent. Taking a child away from the family he knows and loves borders on cruelty. Removal of a child from his/her home should only be done as a last resort to protect that child from imminent harm (the child in this case had no other medical conditions except for sleep apnea). Many times removing a child from their home is experienced so intensely by the child that they would resort to food even more as the only thing they could control. Depression, anxiety, and a heightened loss of self-esteem may be the result. What are we telling a child if we allow them to be taken from us, because we were not able to change our lives enough to help him? I make it clear to all of the parents I work with that if you have a morbidly obese child it takes a family to support them with a healthy lifestyle. There can be no enablers and "good guys" or "bad guys" with offering the child unhealthy foods or a lifestyle conducive to obesity.

If you have a child you are concerned with who struggles with obesity, you have more power within your family than any treatment facility known. The problem is that, many times, you know your child is hurting and that breaks your heart. The guilt you feel from that affects your ability to hold the firm and loving boundaries that your child needs. These suggestions will help you get started. 1. Talk to your pediatrician and tell them your concerns. Make a list of everything you have tried and go over this with your doctor. Don't let your doctor make light of your concerns. No one knows your child as well as you. 2. Have a family meeting and rather than addressing any one child, address the whole family. Become a united team with everyone participating in a healthy lifestyle. Identify the foods that are the most problematic (soda, chips, candy, and pastries) and replace those with raw fruits and vegetables. Make these food visible, keep a basket of raw fruit on the kitchen counter, bottled water in the fridge (or fresh water in pitchers stored in the refrigerator) and vegetables peeled and ready to eat in the refrigerator. The best way to get rid of the junk food is to throw it away. It's toxic! Why would you donate or give someone else what is poisonous to their body?

3. Quit telling yourself that in order for your kids to fit in they need junk food in the house. They don't. This thinking is keeping you from being an effective parent in helping your obese child. It is not fair to let the thin sibling eat junk food and not allow it for the child with weight issues. This builds resentment. Get rid of the junk food and make it forbidden for your whole family. 4. Family activities are helpful for all families as well as marriages. Protect and prioritize these types of days. Take a family walk, go to the park, or (in the winter) ice skating. Anything where there is movement will help everyone be healthier. Activities shared as a family help the child who is overweight feel less isolated and alone.

5. If you are unsure of foods and what to serve, a wise investment is to talk to a dietitian. Many physician offices have dietitians on staff. Getting advice and attaining more knowledge of foods can help you help your child. 6. If your obese child suffers from social anxiety or depression, seek help from a counselor. It is much wiser to begin counseling before your child's self-esteem is destroyed. Rebuilding an obese child's self esteem is much more difficult then learning healthy coping mechanisms that can comfort them so they won't resort to using food.

Child protective services have a huge job and they do it well. There are so many children that need to be placed with foster parents in order to survive. Morbid obesity should not be a reason we need to contact CPS. Parents must get serious with their children's health and well being. Being a parent means taking care of your child and making sure they have all they need to be healthy. If your child is overweight and struggling with health issues, begin making changes to the whole family's lifestyle today.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.

'Parents, Please Discipline Your Kids So We Don't Have To' Guest Article by Mary Jo Rapini

Parents: Please Discipline Your Kids So We Don't Have To

by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

Everyone has heard the story of Karen Kane, the bus monitor, being bullied and ridiculed by four seventh grade boys in Greece, NY. It was disgusting; horrible, violent and crude language hurled onto this 68 year-old grandmother who was doing her job. Karen didn't reach out and grab the ring leader (although he looked quite small), nor did she call on her cell phone or taser him. (The school continues to say they are shocked and appalled by this behavior even though Karen has said it has happened in the past and was ignored.) The kids were impulsive, not thinking or caring about later consequences, and kept going with their taunts, knowing they were being filmed. Obviously, they were having fun, and probably came from homes where this behavior was acceptable.

The tape is so disturbing that although it lasts for ten minutes, few people can watch it for more than three. People around the world are identifying with Karen. They too know what it is like to be bullied by someone and unable to stop the bully. They identify with her being an adult and trying the tactic everyone has been taught to do with bullies, "ignore them and they will go away." They don't go away though, and instead the taunting got worse with her attempts to ignore them.

Everyone knows about bullying; we all know what it looks like, with recent documentaries of bully behavior, and kids being driven to suicide. There are many of us who are fed up with it, and we are sick of parents sticking their heads in the sand and ignoring what their kids are doing. Some (but not all) of the parents of these kids are single parents. It's a lot more difficult to raise a child on your own, maintain a social life and possibly dating someone new. Obviously, something has to get squeezed out (we only have so much time), but what is being let go of is not okay. If you let go of being a responsible parent and raising responsible, respectful children who obey the law and are engaged with their family, you are letting your child down as well as all of society.  Some parents realize too late they never wanted to be parents, and they have no idea how to set rules, follow through with consequences, or discipline their child. Their goal is to keep their child supplied with video games and cash, so their kid will not interfere with their life.

Kids need discipline (teaching); they need guidance and moral mentoring, including limit setting. They need an engaged father figure to help with this. They also need a mother who is there with her watchful eye and ability to correct their child when they make a mistake. It is important for both of these parents to be committed to raising their child through the teen years. A kid learns empathy, respect for authority, and respect for others at home. If the parents aren't at home, have no respect for one another or their child, and don't set examples of morality, empathy and respect, how in the world is their child going to value those characteristics?

The children who bullied this woman on the bus had deeper issues than their insults to her. They are mirroring happenings in their family. We need to look at the kids and the family and treat the whole system. The schools are in need of change, but they are a reactive institution. The bad stuff doesn't begin with the school (although they are a great institution onto which to project blame); the bad stuff is in our homes. Here are a few suggestions for parents who feel as though their child has taken over the home.

1. Begin by finding a parenting class. This is easiest done by finding a great parenting program. They are listed in many of the free family magazines being circulated within your city. There is a wonderful website also that would be a great place to begin. It is called: www.howtoparent.org. They list a series of blogs and can help you find parenting classes as well as find help for you and your child. 2. No matter if you are a single parent or a dual parent, you need to make home represent home again. You do this with your time. RE-establish a mealtime, cook a meal and be there.

3. Be engaged and go over your child's virtual world. (If you are computer illiterate, hire a monitoring group to help.) Children live up to 80% of their waking hours in computer games, Skype, cell phones, Facebook, and anywhere else in the virtual world to which they can escape. Kids who are angry or depressed do not frequent positive websites, friends, or texts. You need to know what your child is doing. 4. Re-institute manners in the home. Talk with manners to them, and insist they address you politely. If you are angry and beating up others with your words or your fists, your kid is going to do the same thing (when you aren't around). Bullies have seen bully behavior somewhere, and it is usually in the home.

5. Go back in your mind to the last time your family worked well together. A time when you spoke politely to one another and your children obeyed your rules without challenging you. If it has been longer than 2 months, you need professional intervention. Sometimes, beginning with a family meeting and talking about what's going on can be paramount in helping the family become stabilized and working together. A professional counselor can help empower and support family rules that mom and dad set, which gives the family back structure and helps support the family while new healthier ways of communicating are being learned.

If or when a child cannot be polite and respectful, before I look too deeply into their eyes, I am going to look into the parent's. Kids are mirrors of the home. I have NEVER met a bully child without later meeting a bully, absent, or abusive parent. Take your kids back, give them a home, guidance and mentor respect for them.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com. 

'Parents Need to Talk to Their Kids About Sex' Article by Mary Jo Rapini

Talking to teens about sex isn't going to be easy, but is a necessary evil when you are a parent. Mary Jo Rapini, psychotherapist and coauthor of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever talks to parents about the importance of having the big talk and tips for how to do so.

Parents Need to Talk to Their Kids About Sex    

by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

One of my colleagues works exclusively with teens and is noting an increase in oral sex among teens. It is interesting because the teens report being virgins and are adamant that they aren't having sex.  According to a recent study, researchers in California found that oral sex is the most frequently practiced sex act among teenagers engaging in sexual activity. Only 9 percent of high school students who have had oral sex are still virgins two years later. Oral sex has become the gateway to intercourse. The teen is in denial and not aware that oral sex is still sex and carries a risk of STD as well as teen pregnancy because most times sex does not stop with oral sex.

In the study mentioned above, Dr. Bonnie Halpern-Felsher Ph.D. from the University of California followed more than 600 students attending two northern California high schools from 2002 to 2005 in order to understand the role of oral sex in the progression of teen sexual behavior. The teens filled out questionnaires every six months from the start of ninth grade and the end of the 11th grade. More than 90 percent of ninth grade students said they had not yet tried vaginal sex, while 40 percent of the 11th graders reported the same. Over the course of the study, most teens reported having intercourse within the same six month period as their first oral sex experience. Overwhelmingly they had tried oral sex before trying intercourse.

Sex education programs overlook oral sex and focus on abstinence. Improving education in all forms of sex is vital for preventing teen pregnancies and STDs. The best sex education must begin in the home. We cannot rely on the schools to do what we fail to talk about at home with our teens. It is possible that preaching abstinence is enabling the denial that oral sex is sex. If you are engaging in oral sex--and your parents and school is constantly bombarding you with the practicing abstinence concept, you can rationalize that you aren't having sex, because oral sex won't make you pregnant. Teens don't typically think about the consequences of what oral sex will lead to: the risk of STDs, or intercourse and pregnancy.

How parents can help protect their teen: 1. Talk to your teen about sex. This can be done by beginning when your child is young with age appropriate opportunities. TV shows, lyrics on the radio are all good branching off points for parents to begin a dialogue about sex.   2. Make sure your child has an annual exam. When you have a girl and she begins her menstrual cycle make sure you take her to a doctor who can talk to her about her body, her cycle and her breast development. Your son should go with his dad to the family doctor and his body changes should be discussed. Boys need the same focus on understanding their changing body as girls do. Parents are an integral part of teaching their children to respect their changing body and to respect the bodies of others. No parent should ever use the excuse for not teaching their child, that their parents never taught them, or that they just had a book pushed at them about sexual development, when asked why they don't teach their child about sexuality.

3. When your child asks you a question in regards to sex, their body, or a relationship, take it seriously. If you don't know the answer, tell them the truth, reassure them that it is a good question and you will find the answer. 4. There should be nothing your child cannot ask you in regards to their sexual body. If you are too embarrassed, tell them you have "hang ups," but you will find them someone they can talk to. Children are very forgiving when parents trust them enough to be honest with them. 5. Make a pact with your teen that their health always takes primary importance. Let them know you may not like their decision but you will do whatever you can to keep them safe. Teens take risks when parents disengage, and the child feels like there is nothing they can do to please their parent.

It is disturbing when therapists see children as young as 10 years old who are actively having oral sex. When the parents are brought to the session and the child admits to this, everyone is in shock. They question how did it happen and when did it happen, since the boy and girl are never alone together. Believe me; they have plenty of time to be alone together.   You taught your child how to ride a bike, how to throw a ball, and how to tie their shoe. You better teach them about their changing body, what sex involves, and that oral sex is sex and can lead to consequences that will affect them for the rest of their life. Schools nor anyone else can teach your child about sex as well as you.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.

Meet Mary Jo Rapini and Janine Sherman, Authors of Start Talking

Meet the Authors of Start Talking

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a nationally known psychotherapist, author, public/keynote speaker, and television and radio commentator. She is a recent recipient of the esteemed Gracie Award in the Outstanding Talk Show - News category for her show “Classmates With Cancer” on Fox 26 in Houston. Her mission is to empower women and their families.

Rapini is the Love/Relationship writer for the Houston Chronicle City Brights on-line (http://blogs.chron.com/momhouston/) and is a contributing columnist for HealthNewsDigest.com. Rapini writes the "Ask Mary Jo" monthly column for Houston Family Magazine. Her advice has been featured in numerous other publications such as People, Cosmopolitan, Seventeen, Men's Health and Self.

Rapini is radio/TV savvy and captures audiences all over the country with her direct answers to real issues! She has been featured on "Big Medicine", which is in its second season on Discovery Health. Her regular segment "Body, Mind and Soul with Mary Jo" airs on Thursdays on FOX 26 Morning News Extra in Houston. She recently became a regular expert for HLN/CNN.

Her new weekly radio show, “Rebooting your MoJo with Mary Jo Rapini”, is part DivaToolbox.com’s show,“Across the kitchen Table.” She has appeared on many television programs including Today, Fox Morning News, Montel, and various Houston area shows to discuss topics such as holiday stress, prayer and healing, divorce and kids, children and traumatic experiences, and children and cancer.

She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and a certified anger management therapist. A mom with two daughters, her passion is helping all girls become strong women.

A popular speaker across the nation, Rapini's dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships.

Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author with Janine Sherman of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever.

~ ~ ~

An OBGYN, board-certified, women's health nurse practitioner, Janine Sherman, MSN WHNP-BC specializes in preventative care and treatment of adolescents, teaching them about their bodies, and how to make wise decisions as they enter into womanhood. A large part of her practice is also educating mothers about what to expect as their daughters embark on the journey to sexual maturity and the importance of guiding them responsibly through this life-altering transition.

Sherman is a former faculty member at the School of Nursing at the University of Texas Health Science Center in Houston (where she also received her MSN). She worked at the Center for Immunization Research at the Johns Hopkins School of Public Health and has written numerous articles pertaining to pap tests, HPV testing, and the HPV vaccine.

She is a popular presenter on mother-daughter issues. Sherman is quoted in Girls' Life magazine in "Taking Chances," a GL Special Report.

Sherman has contributed to two text books: Women's Health Care Exemplar (2000) and Processes of Labor (2002). Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever is her first general interest book.

Discover more at www.bayoupublishing.com or www.StartTalkingBook.com.

This article is reprinted from a media kit on KSB Promotions.

Review of 'Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever'

Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever

Book Blurb: A Q&A guide for mother-daughter conversations about female health and sexuality, this book targets both daughters and mothers. Start Talking contains more than 113 questions girls ask including questions about periods, sex, relationships, guys, eating, exercise, body development, along with similar questions verbalized by mothers. Each chapter contains basic information accompanied by real-life vignettes, questions and answers for moms, questions and answers for daughters, "Table Talk" suggestions for moms on how to engage each other around these topics. This book differs from books targeting just girls understanding their own bodies, and from books targeting just mothers on what they should know: it is deliberately meant to spark conversations.

My thoughts: 

This is the kind of book that I wish I had when I was a teenager and needed to talk to my mother about various issues. She was easy to talk to, but didn't always have a lot of the answers I was seeking. Other conversations were simply too embarrassing to try to have with her until I was older.

The book is divided into "Mom Questions" and "Daughter Questions," but both can benefit from reading all of the sections. There are also mock "Table Talk" sections that provide a sample conversation between a mother and her daughter about certain topics. No one should feel like they have to use a script for those conversations. Those sections make for good conversation starters.

Start Talking isn't just about sex. It also delves into friendships, relationships, self-image and self-worth. It's purpose is to open the doors of communication between parent and teenager, which can often be difficult. I think it is a good addition to the parenting library, starting in the tween years as body and emotional changes begin to occur.

'Bullying...Is It More Than Just Sticks and Stones?' Article by Mary Jo Rapini

School gets back underway in the next month to six weeks. Start to prepare yourself by reading up on signs of bullying in your child. Mary Jo Rapini, psychotherapist and coauthor of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever shares signs of bullying and tips on how to handle the situation with your kids, no matter on which side she falls of the bullying equation.

Bullying...Is It More Than Sticks and Stones?
by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

Bullying is thought of as being an ordinary passage of growing up. We all remember being pelted with some sort of hurtful words. Some kids remember being beaten up on the playground. Although this wounded many children of generations past, it wasn't always taken seriously. When we hear the word "bully", we continue to think of it as not a big deal. However, bullying has changed. It is more than words or getting teased on the playground. It is inescapable harassment, physical assault, verbal abuse, and a constant barrage of cyber attacks that leave kids feeling defeated, fearful and alone.

According to Maureen Hackett, a mental health child advocate, children and teens are at fragile stages in their development of identity and self-esteem. Their relationships with peers are an integral part of how they see themselves and how they view their sense of worth. This is just one of the aspects that makes bullying so dangerous. Hackett goes on to say that the young victims look to their parents and other adults in their life for validation, appreciation and protection. When parents, teachers, or other adults in children's lives don't take bullying seriously or fail to help them, the child is hurt further. Many times this intensifies the bullying children are experiencing.

There is also no escape. While home used to be a safe haven, now there is an onslaught of cyber bullying so the terrorizing often continues at home, even in the child's own room.

What can we do to help with this situation that happens every day, everywhere, to many children? The first step may be getting involved to change the laws. Encourage the state to recognize bullying as a form of abuse. Currently the word "bullying" minimizes what our children are going through on an emotional, or even physical level. They are being terrorized.

Warning signs your children are being bullied:
* They come home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings.
* They have unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches.
* They complain about not having friends.
* They seem afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part with peers in organized activities (such as clubs).
* They have no interest in school or their grades. They begin to struggle with school.
* They are weepy, sad, moody, or depressed when they come home from school.
* They complain frequently of headaches, stomachaches or other physical ailments.
* They experience a loss of appetite or begin to gain weight.
* They appear anxious and suffer from low self-esteem.

The best advice for parents regarding helping your child is take it seriously. Do not minimize it. Write everything down (for future reference).

More tips for parents with children who are being bullied:
* You need a plan and you need to make an appointment with your child's teacher. Share your ideas with the teacher and make sure that they include the time spent at both school and at home.
* Talk to your child with a private or school counselor. This will help reinforce your child's sense of worth. Many counselors have ideas of how best to intervene using other resources. If your child has a private counselor, he should visit the school in order to help support the teacher's efforts.
* Limit your child's computer time and have her share threats she is receiving with you. If your child has a cell phone, be aware of how much texting is taking place. Make sure you have a copy of these threats in case you need legal help.
* If there is no improvement within a week, it is time to take it to either the principal (if the abuse is happening at school) or other person in charge.

 If you are the parents of a bully:

* Your child needs counseling along with a professional assessment from a psychiatrist. (Your whole family may be encouraged to attend.) Bully behavior is learned and suggests that there may be a "bully mentor" in your home.
* Make a doctor's appointment for your child. Sometimes children act out with impulsive and angry behaviors when there is something wrong with them medically (a hormone imbalance, for example).
* Set firmer limits at home. Limit your child's ability to text and use the Internet.
* Violence toward your child (spanking, etc.) will not stop the behavior and may make their bully maneuvers more intense. Overprotecting your child and telling yourself that it is normal child behavior doesn't work either. There is nothing normal about hurting another child. You need to act and you need to do it now.

Behind every bully who is terrorizing another child, there is a parent who has ignored the bully's behaviors and decided that it will go away on its own. Bullying does not go away. It usually gets worse, and intervention on both the parent's behalf (the parents of the bully and the parents of the child being bullied) works best.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com. 

'PDA: How affectionate is too affectionate" Article by Mary Jo Rapini

Mary Jo Rapini is a psychotherapist who is also coauthor of the book Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever. Here she discusses the problems of teens and PDA and how to keep them both in check.

PDA: How affectionate is too affectionate?

 
by Mary Jo Rapini

Teens are advertising their relationships out in public all the time. Go to Facebook or MySpace and you can see whom they are dating, whom they formerly dated, and basically everything they have done in the past month. It is scary, especially if that teen happens to be yours.
Even when your child goes to college, they will be showing their personal life to everyone they accept as their friend (don't feel bad if your friendship status is ignored, it happens to all of us). I like my privacy as many other people do and I am not comfortable with discussing my relationship status, what I am doing at this minute, or what I did last night with all of my "new friends." My view is not shared among most teens though. This sharing of information is also physically acted out in public with our children's boyfriends and girl friends. It is called PDA or public display of affection. The schools are tip toeing around the topic but they, too, are uncomfortable with how much is too much.

Whenever I go to Italy or Spain, I love to watch mothers and daughters walking down the street arm and arm. I also love to see men in a warm embrace and kissing each other as a greeting. It seems right to me and whether that is because I am Italian or just very demonstrative, I believe hugging and kissing are more important than guns and bombs. However, seeing two teens groping each other in the school hall or at my friend's home makes me feel uncomfortable. My discomfort comes from a feeling that the teens are not respecting themselves or their parents, the school rules or anyone who is in the room. I am all for passion, but I believe there is a time and place, and in front of others is not the time or place.
As children grow they learn by trying new experiences. Their parents guide them, direct them and then they develop a sense of right or wrong with regard to individual behaviors. Parents (my friend included) would tell her daughter if she had chocolate on her face to go wipe it off, she would tell her it was inappropriate to talk with her mouth full, but yet when her boyfriend comes over and starts kissing her, or pulls her onto his lap, the parents freeze and don't know what to say.

A Quick Guide on What to Say to TOO Much PDA

1. Tell your teen when you are alone with them. They may be angry or embarrassed but don't let that stop you from saying this.

"Your father and I or 'your mother and I' are not okay with you hanging all over, kissing your boyfriend, sitting in your boyfriends lap (whatever the offending behavior is). We believe it is disrespectful and we don't approve of it. We do not think it is appropriate at school either.

"We can see you really care for whatever his name is and we think he is a nice boy (or girl) as the case may be, so we are concerned your behavior may influence our respect for him/her also."

Do tell a teen what is appropriate behavior in your home.

2. As a parent you may say, "We think holding hands, a quick kiss or an affectionate hug is okay." Then talk with your teen in regards to ways they can express their affection besides the way they are currently expressing it (deep kisses and hands all over each other). Teens will talk to you if you ask questions that encourage them to think and affords them some control. This also helps the teen understand that you are trying to help, that you are not being judgmental or critical.

The schools cannot be held accountable to raise your children and teach them at the same time. Parents need to guide their children, make the tough calls and follow through. Your kids are watching you all of the time. As our children grow up we think they don't notice anything but their friends; wake up, you are still their most important mentor. Kids become what they learn from home. Talk to your kids, listen to your kids, discipline and respect your kids.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.